Erin Molan thought a former partner would 'kill' her. Now she's ready ...
Content warning: This article discusses domestic violence.
In a new interview with the Daily Telegraph, media personality and Sunday Telegraph columnist Erin Molan has spoken candidly about her harrowing experience with domestic violence.
And it's not a story she ever hoped she'd tell.
"I’m not sharing my story because I want to," Molan said. "My preference would be for this part of my life to never be shared, but with every single death I see in this space a part of me wonders whether I could have made a difference."
To the public, Molan seemed confident and accomplished. Behind closed doors, she was living in terror.
"When you ask me about the worst time, there are just so many times," she said. Molan recounted separate incidents during which she said a former partner "smashed a bottle over [her] head", she "was terrified he'd throw [her] off a balcony", and when he "covered [her] face with a pillow so [she] couldn't breathe".
"I was crying for my mum," she said. "I really thought he would kill me."
Molan was so entrenched in the relationship, she said, that she would lie to protect her former partner, even when "the police would turn up" or she'd "end up in hospital".
"I remember so many instances where I wanted the police to take the element of choice away from me because I could never say anything that would hurt him," she said.
While she was "begging inside [her] head" for help, she couldn't bring herself to speak up.
“My whole thing was trying to hide what was happening because I didn't want him to get in trouble," she said.
"I loved him," she continued. "I thought I needed him and to be brutally honest I didn't want the relationship to end. I didn't know how to function without him."
As the abuse escalated to "almost nightly" physical assaults, Molan said that she "kept thinking that at some stage he would get help".
Molan's experience gave her a first-hand understanding of why so many women don't leave abusive relationships.
"The only sense of security and safety I had was in the arms of the person who was hurting me," she said. "You are so battered psychologically that you don't have the strength, the energy, the confidence to do anything other than continue in this cycle that one day may lead to your death. You're so in love, you're so entrenched that the thought of even trying to escape just feels impossible."
While she tried to keep the abuse a secret, people began to catch on. Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, one friend recalled seeing Molan's then-partner "pulling [her] along the ground by her hair" outside a bar.
Molan also shared that a boss called her into the office to ask her about the bruises they'd noticed on her body. While she initially denied the abuse, her boss persisted, and eventually Molan confirmed what was going on. It was her boss' concern, Molan said, that prompted her to finally end the relationship.
Now, the radio host hopes that her story will empower other women in similar situations.
"I was in this permanent fight or flight mode and I existed in a state of fear," she said. "I'm a smart person, but when you're told so many times that you're to blame for this and that they would never do this with anyone else you start to believe it."
She also believes that we need "safe spaces for men who start to have the desire or urge to hurt their partner or children".
"They need somewhere they can go to say that they're struggling to control their anger," she said. "There needs to be no shame in seeking help when they feel those urges."
Reflecting on that period of her life, Molan teared up.
"I feel so sad for myself," she said.
Still, she hopes that things will improve for younger generations.
"I want to worry about my daughter's first boyfriend breaking her heart, not her bones."
If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.
Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here.
Feature Image: Getty.
