Tom Brady Netflix Roast Best Jokes: Gisele Divorce, Gronk and More

“This is where Jerry Buss laid his dick out. This was called the Fucking Forum.” – Kevin Hart “Tom brought Boston with him tonight. I’ve never seen Inglewood so white. It looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert just let out. This used to be the home of the Lakers; now it’s the home of the Quakers.” – Kevin Hart “It’s been two years since Tom has gotten divorced. And since then, Tom’s been fucking. Tom has been putting that two-inch tool to work. Tom has been fucking so much; his dick has gotten CTE.” — Kevin Hart “You know who else fucked that coach? Gisele. She fucked that karate man…. eight karate classes a day, and she’s still a white belt?” — Kevin Hart “Chelsea Handler is here… Speaking of Black dick, Kim is here tonight.” “I’ve just come from hell. Aaron Hernandez says hello.” — Jeff Ross “I had to dress like OJ because I’m about to kill this white bitch right here.” — Jeff Ross “You really put the Jizz in Gisele.” — Jeff Ross “I really wanted Kevin [Hart] to host because he already looks like a deflated football.” — Jeff Ross “Surely, if Mark Twain were around today, he would call you a N…. a national treasure.” — Jeff Ross “I love you, Dana; you’re like Michael Vick but with human beings.” — Jeff Ross “We’re doing it Boston-style tonight. You know, it’s going to marathon, and somebody’s gonna bomb.” — Jeff Ross “We wanted to roast you in Florida, but because of your governor, we wouldn’t have been able to call you gay.” — Jeff Ross “Tom Brady. Five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns. You have seven rings — well, eight, now that Gisele gave hers back. The only thing dumber than saying yes to this roast was when you said, ‘Hey babe, you should try jiu-jitsu.’” — Nikki Glaser “I’m the best decision your organization has ever made. Would you like a massage?”– Jeff Ross “Why the fuck didn’t we cheat when I was there?” — Randy Moss “The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck with his wife until the end.” — Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer “I love your movies, or as I like to call them, short films.” — Nikki Glaser towards Kevin Hart “Your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can kick your ass while eating hers.” — Nikki Glaser “Tom also lost $30 million in crypto… Tom, how did you fall for that? Even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that’s not real money.” — Nikki Glaser “That’s why Dana [White] is here, so you can learn how to fuck a Brazilian out of half their purse. Sorry, that was a Gisele quote” — Andrew Schulz “Or, as I like to call him, Leonardo DiCaprio‘s ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband.” — Julian Edelman “This stage has seen more trauma than a Kennedy on the campaign trail.” — Andrew Schulz “ACL is the only injury Gronk can spell.” — Andrew Schulz “Nikki, who wrote that? Where was that, your entire career?” — Tony Hinchcliffe “Bert Kreischer is a king. He looks like the Tiger King, and the Liver King only ate Burger King and had a liver that looked like Martin Luther King, who got beat up by Rodney King.” — Tony Hinchcliffe “Your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap-on; just because you put it on doesn’t mean it’s real.” — Sam Jay “My kids now excuse themselves to the bathroom by saying I have to go take a Brady.” — Peyton Manning “Despite everything we’ve seen here tonight, Gronk was actually useful on the field. Although the bar for Patriots tight ends was pretty low back then: block, catch, don’t murder.” — Tom Brady “You retired, then you came back, and then you retired again. I mean, I get it, it’s hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend.” — Nikki Glaser