Our humor columnist's ode to bad test takers just in time for finals

Leah Bowman | Contributing Illustrator

For our humor columnist, test-taking is a nightmare. She much prefers writing (or really, procrastinating) an essay.

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There is one thing I have known my entire life: I am a bad test taker. I hate tests. I hate studying for them. I hate sitting down and taking them. I hate how my hands get sweaty and my pencil slippery when I don’t know the answer to a question. I hate the smug look on my professors’ faces when they hand a test back to me. (Like sure, I know you know I just do the Wordle in your class, but don’t rub it in my face.)

If I could abolish tests, I would. Believe it or not, I was going to be a doctor, but then I found out that you had to take lots of tests in medical school and I dropped the idea immediately. Helping people wasn’t worth it.

Just kidding, I could never be a doctor. Quite honestly, I would probably say “Ew” too much and all of my patients would leave.

I much prefer the art of the written essay – sitting down for three hours before it’s due, crying for a few seconds, then blacking out while you type a whole bunch of nonsense onto a Google Doc. That’s how I like to do my assignments.

Hey, let’s be real, that’s how I write this column. I’m going to look back during edits and not remember writing a single word of it. Hey, future Sarah reading this! Here’s a funny word to make you laugh: kazoo! Haha!

For the rest of you who are “good test takers,” I hope you’re happy, but let me fill you in on what you’re missing out on, up in your cloud of academic superiority.

For any bad test takers reading this, do you also get a tummy ache every time you see a Scantron form or one of those little blue books? Because when I do, I have to run to the bathroom and do breathing exercises. All those memories of my high school geometry class, writing out proofs… the hair on the back of my neck is standing up just thinking about it (Also, how on earth do you even do proofs? Because from what I remember, I just wrote something along the lines of “blah blah blah blah right angle blah blah blah blah parallel.”)

Anyway, getting off the subject of my high school math classes, my main gripe with having tests is that they require me to pay attention in class. What. A. Freaking. Snooze. Have you ever actually paid attention to a class around here? It’s a miracle anyone stays awake.

But, to all of my test takers, you can do this. You can get through another semester, just like I have. (Assuming I pass. Like I said, I’m a bad test taker.)

Published on April 24, 2024 at 11:23 pm

Contact Sarah: [email protected]